Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Hey! I've moved!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Good Jeff, Bad Jeff"
This is a promotional/marketing short film I shot with a couple friends to introduce my latest full-length play, HOW TO KILL A BOY. I plan to go viral (Youtube, my blogs, Facebook) in August and see what happens. Maybe no one will watch it. Or maybe everyone will watch it and it'll become an Internet hit.
The real motivation behind creating this (it was free) was that I wanted a carrot to dangle in front of artistic directors and literary managers of theaters in the hopes that they be persuaded into allowing me to send them the full play instead of a 20-page sample OR that theaters might forego their rule of taking submissions only from literary agents.
Watch it and let me know what you think. It's only 2 minutes long. This blog is my old playwriting blog (I have a new one) so this won't be for public consumption - and don't leave comments under the post. And please, don't forward this link without checking with me first. I don't need my roommate to see this BEFORE I've moved out in August.
You can email me at irc_64@hotmail.com or jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com and let me know what you think.
Read more!Saturday, February 7, 2009
"Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart"
A man with car trouble and a homeless dude cross paths with mixed results.
10-minute, drama (2M)
NEW! Official entrant, Short & Sweet/Singapore: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Singapore, March 2009.
NEW! Official entrant, Asphalt Jungle Shorts V, Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, February, 2009.
"I loved it!!!!!!!!!! Surprised me when I saw it...the end totally threw me for a loop, in a good way. I'm still thinking it over....'Jesus loves you?'. It definitely had my attention. It's got a kind of psychological mystification." - Katie Anderson, writer, visual artist, member of Inked-In.com, poet, IN"Reveille!"
"Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart"
by Jeffrey James Ircink
4745 Saint Nicholas Avenue Culver City, California, USA 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
w: (310) 477-8400
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008
Cast of Characters
MALE, 30-45 – on-the-go, “with it” up-and-coming businessman
BUM, 30-50 – homeless, dirty, mean-spirited, likes to play with people’s heads, resentful
Setting
Near a freeway underpass in Los Angeles, California, USA.
Right now.
"Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart"
ACT I, SCENE 1
(Los Angeles, California. Evening. A car is stalled off the side of the road near a freeway underpass. The hood is up. A MAN is under the car yelling, “Sonofabitch”, intermittently. He crawls out from under the car and checks underneath the hood. He’s dressed casually – nice shoes, jeans and sport jacket. He closes the hood and pulls out his cell.)
MAN
Sonofabitch!
(Into the cell.)
Hey - it’s me. The car died. I don’t know – it just quit. I have no idea. I tried. Where are you? Shit. What? I’ll have to walk home then, no biggie. Uh-huh. Yeh. Where?
(Looking around.)
Um...St. Mary’s Crescent and...just south of Millbrook. Hey I should get going. Yeah, OK. Wait – I could call AAA for a ride - honey? Hello? Katie? Sonofabitch!
(His phone dies. He tries calling. Nothing. He thinks about smashing it but hesitates.
Sonofabitch! Why does this fucking shit always happen to me?! Motherfucking piece of shit. Fuck!
(He goes into the car and changes out of his suit jacket. He puts on a coat and dons a #4 Brett Favre New York Jets baseball cap. He grabs his briefcase and other personal belongings - while he’s doing this, a BUM pushing a grocery cart enters from stage left. The BUM stops and sorts through a garbage can. Finding something of interest, he turns and sorts through his cart. The MAN doesn’t notice the BUM at first, but once he does he makes believe he’s still busy in his car. The BUM pushes his cart past the MAN and his car, stops for second and gives a shout out.)
BUM
Need some help?
MAN
What? No. I’m good. Thanks.
(The BUM waves and continues pushing his cart until he’s off-stage right. The MAN curses again. He looks to see if the BUM is gone, then gets out of his car. He’s just about to set off stage left when the BUM returns from stage right.)
BUM
Hey, wait up!
(The MAN tries to bolt but drops some papers. The BUM catches up and helps the MAN pick up his belongings.)
MAN
I got – thanks.
(The BUM hands him some papers.)
Thank you.
(He tries to leave but the BUM is blocking his path.)
BUM
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?
MAN
“Pico Rivera?” Is that a business?
BUM
(More succinctly.)
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?
MAN
(Irritated.)
No.
(Beat)
BUM
Where you goin’?
MAN
(Pointing stage left.)
That way.
BUM
Which way?
MAN
That way. The way you’re blocking.
BUM
Oh – pardon me.
(The MAN exits stage left, downstage. Yelling.)
Sorry. Didn’t mean to block your way!
(Beat. The BUM disappears stage left. The MAN reappears upstage, stage left, crossing in a diagonal. The BUM is not far behind him. The MAN crosses the stage numerous times, disappearing in the wings and reappearing, the BUM is in hot pursuit. The MAN reappears on stage and is alone. He stops to rest on a cement embankment/wall, rummaging through his briefcase, not seeing the BUM emerge from the wings. The BUM spots the MAN and lets his shopping cart fly across the stage in the direction of the MAN. The MAN hears the cart and looks up, just in time to prevent the cart from crashing into him.)
MAN
HEY!? What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you following me?
BUM
(Approaching the MAN.)
I’m not following you.
MAN
Yes you are.
BUM
No – I’m not. I just happen to be going the same way you are.
MAN
Fine. Go.
BUM
Fine.
(He starts off, then stops.)
Hey, you got any spare change, brother?
MAN
(Under his breath.)
Took you long enough.
BUM
What’s that?
MAN
I said I wish I had some.
(Hands in pockets.)
Nope – no change.
BUM
Bills will do just fine.
MAN
I don’t have any money on me, alright?
BUM
You don’t have one dollar in your wallet?
MAN
No.
(He takes out his wallet and opens it.)
See –
BUM
You have some bills in there – I see them.
MAN
Huh. I could’ve sworn I didn’t have any.
BUM
So can I have a dollar? Come on, man. You can spare a buck, can’t ya?
MAN
Yeh – fine. Here’s a dollar. Now can I be on my way – alone?
BUM
Sure. If you want.
MAN
Whatdaya mean, ‘if I want’?
BUM
Maybe you want some company.
MAN
I don’t need any company.
BUM
I didn’t say you “needed” company. I said “want”. I thought perhaps you “wanted” some company.
MAN
I don’t “want” any company, thank you.
BUM
Ya sure? Doesn’t look like anyone’s comin’ to get you.
MAN
I’m aware of that. That’s why I’m trying to walk home.
BUM
That’s why I’m trying to walk home.
MAN
(Beat)
Are you mocking me?
BUM
I think you’re mocking me.
MAN
I’m outta here.
(The MAN starts off stage right. The BUM leaves his cart and follows.)
BUM
Wait!
MAN
WHAT?!!
BUM
(Beat)
Nothing. I just didn’t want you to leave me, that’s all.
MAN
Listen - I feel bad. I really do. I mean, I don’t like to see this happen to anyone anymore than you like living it. It’s a tragedy – really. We all have our dignity and it’s not fair that –
BUM
Are you bullshitting me?
Read more!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
"Pass the Salt, Please."
What would happen if the dinner conversation of a married couple in their 50’s resembled the script pages of a scene in a pornographic film? As a man and woman catch up on the day’s events, their banter morphs from “ho-hum” to “whoop-eee!” – without missing a “bite”. The scene reflects the state of sex in the America of the feminine mystique, as viewed by feminist Betty Friedan.
10-minute (1M, 1W, 1 Announcer)
*BEST OF SHOW - UNcover: A two-nite art exhibition with an erotic vibe - juried show – Cedar Rapids, IA, March 2007 (directed).
*Short film in pre-production, 2009.
*Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, Sydney, Australia, December, 2007.
*Los Angeles premiere, Drake's Erotic Emporium on Melrose in West Hollywood, Saturday, August 2007.
*Accepted into The Dirty Show, Detroit, Michigan, February 2008. (Unfortunately, the timing was off and I couldn't cast the play in time for this erotic arts exhibition. Talks in progress for next year's event.)
*Semi-finalist for Asphalt Jungle Shorts IV, Ontario, Canada, Spring 2008.
*Accepted into ArtBash, sponsored by NeedTheater and The Hollywood Fringe Festival, Los Angeles, December 2008. (Pulled the show as the venue didn't do the piece justice.)
NEW! Official Selection for Little Red Studio's Erotic Shorts Festival - April 24-26, May 1-3, 2009.
NEW! Selected as opening night entertainment, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, April 30, 2009.
NEW! 5-week run at Miami's City Theatre for Summer Shorts Festival, May 28 - June 21. (4 weeks in Miami, 1 week in Fort Lauderdale)
“I love it, love it, love it! It's spot on and heart-breakingly hilarious…I hope that ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ has legs of steel!” – Donna Latham, Playwright, Chicago, IL
“I love the play. I have high expectations for (its) proper performance (in order to) do it the entitled justice.” – Casey Kasparek, Artist/UNcover organizer, Mount Vernon, IA
"I love the play." – Stuart Metzler, Artistic Director, City Theatre, Miami
“We are interested in discussing your play. It might be something we would be interested in sponsoring.” – John Ince, The Sex Party, British Columbia, Canada
“Pass the Salt, Please”.
Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER: Open
MAN: 45-60
WOMAN: 45-60
The MAN and WOMAN are relatively the same age (ideal age would be mid 50’s to early 60’s); MAN is dressed in jeans, tee shirt and casual dress shirt; WOMAN is dressed in jeans or pants and top. There is no “look” for this couple; nor should they have to look like they’re a “couple” (I’d actually prefer it if they weren’t “pretty”). This play is shorter than 10 minutes if you read it straight through. So, the actors need to adhere to the beats and pauses – intentionally placed to drag out the dinner table conversation. The more gaps and holes in the dialogue, the better.
Setting
Tuesday evening. A dining room in a home. The SET consists of a small dining room table, two chairs, and place settings for two and a jug of water. When this was first staged, we used real food and I prefer that. FOOD consisted of a rotisserie chicken split in half, cottage cheese, potato salad and fresh fruit.
Time
The present.
“Pass the Salt, Please.”
(As the following quote is read by the director or another appropriate representative, LIGHTS FADE UP on scene.)
ANNOUNCER:
“Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.” Betty Friedan. U.S. feminist.
(Beat)
Ladies and Gentlemen: “Pass the Salt, Please.”
(Tuesday evening. A MAN and WOMAN are at either end of a medium-sized table eating dinner. They are quiet. The tone throughout the entire scene is sedate - monotone, expressionless – as if the couple’s bored, but not necessarily with each other. They are fazed by nothing each other says – everything spoken is matter-of-factly. There is a long pause while they eat before the WOMAN speaks. NOTE: pauses = 5 seconds, but the final discretion is up to the director.)
WOMAN:
Anything exciting happen at work today?
MAN:
Not really. Same old, same old. Why?
WOMAN:
No reason.
(Pause.)
MAN:
Pfieffer got fired.
WOMAN:
Who’s Pfieffer?
MAN:
Guy in accounting. Could you pass the salt?
(She passes the salt. Pause.)
WOMAN:
So – Pfeiffer got fired.
MAN:
Yep.
WOMAN:
What did he do?
MAN:
I told you – he worked in accounting.
WOMAN:
I meant what did he do to get fired.
MAN:
I’m not sure. I didn’t know him that well. Just heard about it.
WOMAN:
Then why’d you bring him up?
MAN:
You brought him up.
WOMAN:
How did I bring him up? I don’t know him. Could I have the salt, please?
(He passes the salt.)
Thank you.
MAN:
You asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. Pfeiffer getting fired was exciting.
WOMAN:
How do you figure?
MAN:
What’s your definition of “exciting”?
WOMAN:
(Beat)
Winning the lottery.
(Beat)
A new dining room set.
MAN:
OK.
WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Traveling – anywhere.
MAN:
(Overlapping)
I got it. What about –
WOMAN:
(Overlapping)
Getting fired is not “exciting”.
MAN:
What about the guys who were waiting for the Hindenburg to land in New Jersey...the ones who caught the guide ropes the crew threw out?
WOMAN:
The linesmen?
MAN:
Yeh, the linesman. Yuh suppose at dinner later that night when the linesman’s wife asked him, ‘did anything exciting happen at work today, dear?’, he said, ‘no’?
(Beat)
What he said was, ‘Yeh, the God damn Hindenburg crashed and burned while I was holding onto one of the guide ropes’.
(Beat)
That’s “exciting”.
WOMAN:
That’s a tragedy.
MAN:
It’s still exciting.
WOMAN:
So I should be excited about people burning to death.
MAN:
I’m not saying you should revel in someone else’s tragedy. Excitement can mean ‘the state of being emotionally worked up’.
(Beat)
I’m simply saying there’s a level of excitement to everything – however dreadful it may be.
WOMAN:
Whatever.
MAN:
Whatever. Can I have the salt?
(She passes the salt. Beat.)
What are you doing tonight?
WOMAN:
I’d like to finish that book you gave me for Christmas – the one on cats.
MAN:
It’s a picture book.
WOMAN:
(Aside)
Yah.
(Pause.)
MAN:
I bought two boxes of paperwhite candles from Sheila. She –
WOMAN:
Who’s Sheila?
MAN:
My boss’s receptionist. You’ve met her. She hosted one of those house parties where women buy jewelry and Tupperware and – stuff.
WOMAN:
I didn’t know they still made Tupperware.
MAN:
Yep.
WOMAN:
When were you at her house?
MAN:
She brought them into the office.
WOMAN:
Men purchase stuff from house parties too, you know.
MAN:
I know. I bought candles.
WOMAN:
I love the smell of paperwhites.
MAN:
Yah – well I thought maybe we could light a few – later on...in the bathtub. Listen to some music...glass of wine – you know.
WOMAN:
You wanna put candles in the bathtub?
MAN:
No – you and I would be in the tub. The candles would be –
WOMAN:
Oh. Right.
(Beat)
We’ll see...maybe.
(Beat)
Candles and music, huh?
MAN:
It’s a “touch”.
(He salts his food. Pause.)
Do we have any honey?
WOMAN:
I don’t think so.
MAN:
Would you look for me?
WOMAN:
Why do you want honey?
MAN:
I like a full complement of condiments at my disposal when I’m eating. Is there anything wrong with that?
WOMAN:
Why don’t you look yourself?
MAN:
I don’t know where you keep it.
WOMAN:
I think we’re out of honey anyway.
MAN:
Forget it.
(Pause)
If I had some honey right now I’d take it and –
(Beat)
– squirt it on your chest.
WOMAN:
Excuse me?
MAN:
Then I’d lick the honey off your tits.
WOMAN:
You’re such a pig.
(Beat)
How would you like it if I took some honey and squirt it on...your...dick?
Read more!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"Jessica, Paris, Britney and Lindsay Meet Brett Favre on Their Train Wreck"
When NFL quarterback and legend Brett Favre takes a quiet train ride, the last thing he expected was to be sharing his train car with Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Throw in a Magic 8 Ball and you've got a tongue-and-cheek look at pop culture and celebrity - and its pitfalls. 4745 Saint Nicholas Avenue
10-minute, comedy (3M, 4W)
Official Entrant - Short & Sweet/Sydney, The World's Largest 10-Minute Play Festival, Australia, January 2009.
"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"
A Short Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink
Culver City, California, USA 90230
c: (262) 806-2808
w: (310) 477-8400
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008
Cast of Characters
JESSICA SIMPSON – 28, singer/actress
PARIS HILTON – 27, celebrity
LINDSAY LOHAN – 22, actress
BRITNEY SPEARS – 27, singer
BRETT FAVRE – 39, New York Jets NFL quarterback
(former Green Bay Packers QB) and legend
CONDUCTOR VO – male
ATTENDANT – male
Setting
A train car on the North Woods Hiawatha. The train car is built a ½ foot off the stage to enable passengers to step down off it. There is one entrance to the car – upstage center that has a sliding door, and one exit downstage center that is open to the audience. An emergency cord is hanging prominently upstage in the middle of the car. "Entry of the Gladiators" by Julius Fucik (or similar circus-like music) subtly plays whenever one of the four girls enters the train car.
Time
The present.
"Jessica, Paris, Lindsay and Britney Meet Brett Favre On Their Train Wreck"
(BRETT FAVRE is sitting in a train car alone – his feet are resting on the seat in front of him and he’s reading a hunting magazine. He’s wearing a #4 New York Jets jersey and chinos and has a black sport jacket hanging on a hook off his right shoulder. It’s quiet, except for FAVRE humming his favorite country song to himself. Then he starts singing to himself. The train is in motion. Throughout the play, the CONDUCTOR VO announces various stops – the hometowns of each of the four women.)
CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Abilene. Abilene, Texas is our next stop.
(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. Suddenly, the train car door opens and JESSICA SIMPSON steps in with a carry-on, a package and she’s talking on her cell phone.)
SIMPSON
(On cell phone.)
I told you…you’re my assistant. That’s what I pay you for.
(Beat. She closes the train car door.)
Well it won’t take that long. Just squeeze the white toothpaste out of the green tube. Squeeze the blue and green toothpaste out of the white tube. Then put the blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube. It’s not that difficult.
(To FAVRE)
Hi.
(On the phone.)
What’s the difference? I’ll tell you what the difference is -
(To FAVRE, looking at one of the empty seats)
Is that seat taken?
FAVRE
No, ma’am.
(He takes his feet off the seat across from him.)
SIMPSON
(She throws her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and takes a seat across from FAVRE next to the window, holding her package on her lap. To FAVRE.)
Thank you.
(On the phone.)
Where was I? What? Oh yeah. The difference is I want my blue and green toothpaste in the green toothpaste tube because that’s where it belongs – that’s the difference.
(Beat.)
How should I know what to do with the white toothpaste? Put it in a baggie and take it home. Alrighty. Thank you. Bye, bye.
(She puts her phone in her purse. To FAVRE.)
Blue and green toothpaste is my favorite.
(Beat)
What’s yours?
FAVRE
I dunno. Crest, maybe.
SIMPSON
I mean what color do you like?
FAVRE
White.
SIMPSON
Oh.
(Beat)
White toothpaste is like…tidy whitey underwear. I mean, there’s so many really cool flavors to choose from. There’s green – that’s for fluoride. And blue’s for fresh breath. Red is cinnamony and it’s good for your tongue.
FAVRE
Your tongue?
SIMPSON
(She sticks out her tongue and talks with it sticking out of her mouth.)
Yeh, your tongue. Don’t you brush your tongue? You should. It’s part of your mouth, you know.
FAVRE
Really?
SIMPSON
(Tongue still out of her mouth.) Yeh.
FAVRE
So why do you switch the toothpaste in the tubes?
SIMPSON
(Talking normal.)
Oh, that’s just something for my housekeeper Yolanda to do.
(Beat)
Otherwise I’d have to do it myself.
CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills, California is our next stop.
(FAVRE continues reading his magazine. SIMPSON touches up her makeup. The train comes to a halt. A hubbub is heard outside the train car in the passageway. The train car door opens and in steps PARIS HILTON with a carry-on, a Magic 8 Ball and her dog – which is stuffed.)
HILTON
(To her dog.)
OK, Tinkerbell, like – how about this car? “Magic 8 – should I get into this car?”
(She vigorously shakes the Magic 8 Ball to reveal an answer. Reading the ball.)
“YES – DEFINITELY”. That’s hot. Hi everyone.
(FAVRE says “hello” but SIMPSON just nods. HILTON closes the train car door, tosses her carry-on up into the overhead luggage rack and sits opposite SIMPSON, holding her dog and the Magic 8 Ball. Pause. No emotion.)
Hi, Jessica.
SIMPSON
(No emotion.)
Hello, Paris.
(Pause.)
You have a well-behaved dog.
HILTON
Thanks. Her trainer’s the top dog whisperer in LA.
SIMPSON
My dogs listen better when I scream at them.
(Beat.)
I mean, when my dog trainer screams at them. What do you feed her? They say diet has a lot to do with a dog’s behavior.
HILTON
Filet mignon. Caviar. Cristal. Whatever I eat.
SIMPSON
That’s what my dogs eat. I have three.
HILTON
I have 17.
FAVRE
You have 17 dogs?
HILTON
(Putting on lip gloss.)
No – 17 shades of lip gloss.
(To FAVRE.)
Want some?
FAVRE
I’m good, thanks.
SIMPSON
(HILTON offers lip gloss to SIMPSON.)
No thanks. My lips are naturally glossy.
FAVRE
(Studying the dog.)
Excuse me, ma’am.
(HILTON presents her hand for FAVRE to kiss but he shakes it instead.)
FAVRE
Your dog - is that real?
HILTON
Ahh...yah.
FAVRE
It looks to be frozen stiff.
HILTON
(With her mouth down to the Magic 8 Ball.)
“Magic 8 Ball, is my dog real?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“AS I SEE IT, YES”.
(Showing it to FAVRE.)
See. I love the fact that my Magic 8 Ball is always right. That’s so hot.
FAVRE
I’m not saying it’s not a real dog. I’m saying it WAS a real dog. It looks to be preserved in a frozen state.
(Beat.)
I think they call it "cryogenics".
(He looks at SIMPSON for some support.)
SIMPSON
(She reaches out to pet the dog.)
I think she’s a beauty.
(To FAVRE)
Don’t you?
HILTON
She loves affection. We’re doing a shoot together next week for the Rwanda Travel and Tourism Board so I’m taking her to the groomer.
FAVRE
Hope your groomer’s got an ice pick.
HILTON
Excuse me?
FAVRE
Nothing.
HILTON
“Magic 8 Ball – what did he just say?”
(She vigorously shakes the ball.)
“BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW”.
(She gives FAVRE a squinty-eyed sneer. Beat.)
I need a latte.
SIMPSON
I need an enema.
(Looking around.)
What? It’s good for you
(Thinking.)
A double mocha coffee enema.
HILTON
I want a latte and an enema. I want a latte-flavored enema. With whipped cream.
FAVRE
(Under his breath.)
I wanna get the hell off this train.
SIMPSON/HILTON
What?
CONDUCTOR VO
Next stop – Kentwood. Kentwood, Louisiana is our next stop.
Read more!
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